Böttcher Coaching


Fear of commitment is the conscious or unconscious fear of entering into a relationship or allowing closeness within a relationship.

Fear of commitment

Relationships with partners who are afraid of commitment often start very passionately. But suddenly, as if out of the blue, the behavior of the person afraid to commit begins to change. They don’t call back, can’t be reached, or get tired early ... to name just a few examples : small interruptions in closeness that unsettle and puzzle the partner ... in the course of a relationship, however, these ploys to create distance can build up to sudden outbursts, cheating, or work mania ... because these are all ways to get out of a close relationship. 

The reasons are either fear of loss or fear of being overwhelmed by too many demands. When it comes to fear of loss, those affected don’t really put their all into the relationship because their fear of being abandoned is greater than their desire for a relationship, and often this is an unconscious process. The fear of being overwhelmed by too many demands stems from a great need for freedom. Those affected have the impression that they can only feel free without a relationship and therefore reject many forms of responsibility for their partner, either flat out or less obviously. These people often fall in love with someone who is unavailable, i.e. who has another partner – and when that person does become available, they run away. 

Often the partners of those who are afraid of commitment suffer more from than those affected themselves; that’s because their partners feel rejected time and time again and the relationship never feels safe for them. Yet those affected sometimes don’t even notice what they’re doing ... 

Coaching is about recognizing your own behavior and learning to change it. However, it’s even more important to question your own feelings such as impulses to flee, lack of interest, or boredom, and to look for factors that brought them about ... because if we learn that we can be in a relationship AND be free at the same time, then we can also learn to engage in relationships. This happens, above all, by learning to represent our needs within a relationship, and by learning to recognize our limits and make them clear.

Birgit Böttcher
in Düsseldorf
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